( Announcer ) hey america,
It's time to hash things out with bob and david.
Thank you.
All right, thank you.
The mr. Show water cooler is an unrehearsed,
Unscripted, political jam session,
Featuring absolutely no experts.
Just four regular celebrities,
Sitting around, hashing things out,
And uh, one water cooler, for when things get hot,
Or dry.
Okay, let's introduce tonight's guests.
From porno,
Xona chiffon.
Hope i'm pronouncing that correctly.
( Audience whooping )
Hey, baby.
Thank you, xona.
And from the world of skydiving,
Keith minders.
Well, let's get started.
The top story of the week.
Uh, i think i know it.
Umm, okay,
I was watching a comedian's monologue
On tv last night,
And, did you know that there was some senator,
Who had surgery to have the nra's lips
Removed from his ass ?
Right, right, right.
And who's gotta pay for that surgery, huh ?
The american people !
( Applause )
The other night, i saw a stand-Up comic,
And he informed me that if congress is gonna
Continue spending his money,
The way his girlfriend does,
Then they too should give him blow jobs.
Okay, views ? Counter-Comments ?
Well, i'll tell 'ya, this is an intriguing proposal.
But it raises the issue:
Just how many blow jobs can congress give in a fiscal year ?
And how many do people want ?
And then what are they actually worth ?
Keith, you haven't said much over there.
These aren't real issues.
They're jokes about the news.
If you wanna know the top story, read the paper...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, i thought you were a skydiver !
Hold on there, einstein.
Somebody reads the paper !
Audience, what does that mean it's time for ?
Smarty pants !
That's right,
You have to step in to the smarty pants.
Charles, what's inside the smarty pants today ?
( Charles ) today's smarty pants are filled with glauman's
Rich and creamy vanilla custard.
Just like grandma used to eat.
Alright, smarty pants,
Smarty pants, smarty pants.
All right !
And you are hereby sentenced
To watch the all-News channel for the rest of the show.
And meanwhile,
Bob and i will be in the soundproof disco booth with xona,
To see how much money we can win.
* i'm a party girl
( Announcer ) you're watching the international news report,
The top stories from around the globe.
And now from london, here's aviana prujympur.
Good evening.
A look at the top stories around the globe at this hour.
In yangon, mayanma,
A monsoon leaves thousands homeless and disease-Ridden.
The japanese government de-Values the yen,
Triggering massive layoffs,
And in america,
The president has allegedly farted.
For a re-Cap of events,
Let's go to lance jordan of the bbc
At the white house, lance.
Aviana, it all began last week
When dominican republic ambassador, martif pharti,
Threw a party.
The ambassador had a long guest list,
Simply everyone was there.
In the midst of the revelry,
The foul odor of human flatulence materialized,
And its source seemed to be
The president of the united states, truman theodore frutti.
Known to his friends as "tru", or "truitty",
Or "two t" for the two t's in his full name.
American reports have sarcastically characterized
The alleged emission as "a beauty".
Despite the president's quick and adamant denial,
The fart has captured the outrage and imagination
Of an entire nation.
Capitalizing conversation in daily life,
On late-Night chat shows...
You know, for the next state of the union speech,
The vice president and the speaker of the house
Asked if they could sit in "front" of the president !
Even to light political song parodies
Performed in a dinner theater environment.
* oh beans, beans, the musical fruit *
* the more you eat, the more you toot *
America is simply enthralled by this issue.
Aviana ?
We understand that the president himself
Is going to address the nation.
Let's go now to the white house.
My fellow americans,
Tonight, i am prepared to accept full responsibility
For my actions.
One week ago, marti pharti threw a party
And everyone was there.
I, two-T fruitti, let a beauty,
And everyone went out for air.
Now it is time to stop the attacks,
The finger pointing, the giggling.
For now this matter should be between me,
My wife, my pants, and our god.
Thank you.
We go now to children around the world,
For reaction to the president's speech.
He farted ! He farted !
( Farting noises )
Stop it, stop it, you're not supposed to laugh.
Oh, these parties can be so very tedious.
Say, you're new here, aren't you ?
Yes, your majesty.
Announce to my guests that i'm ready to greet them.
Oh yes, your majesty.
If you will, the earl of twixworth.
Good evening, your majesty.
If i may, you're looking as splendid
As a painted picture.
Oh, my.
Say, earl, i have an idea.
In a moment, i will announce that i've grown tired
And wish to go to sleep. Everyone will leave, but you stay behind
So that we can catch up on old times.
What a wickedly delightful idea.
Don't tell anyone.
( Guard ) lord and lady pummel !
How very...
It's quite an honor. Hello, your majesty.
Lord and lady, come hither.
In a moment, i'm going to announce that i'm tired
And wish to go sleep. Everyone will leave,
But you two remain, so we can crack-Off.
With pleasure.
Don't tell anyone.
( Guard ) the lord mayor of flavisham.
My honor takes--
Okay, enough of the floaties.
I'm going to say i'm tired, everyone will leave, you stay.
Unconditionally, your majesty.
Don't tell anybody. Count pleasanton !
Your most glorious majesty.
When i think on times--
Okay, enough, enough, count, i have an idea.
In a moment i'm going to decree myself bedroused
And ask all to afford me their leave.
But you tarry, so that the twain of us may bandy titherings.
Ah, you wish me to waffle about and we shall have a private folly, eh ?
Well, and so, yes. Don't tell anyone.
Guard ?
Yes, your majesty ?
Would you announce that i'm afraid i'm tired
And wish to go to sleep now ?
Yes, but the party's just begun.
Guard, do it !
Yes, your majesty !
Uh, her majesty would like to announce
That she has grown tired, and would like to go to sleep,
And she bids you all a fond goodbye.
Goodbye, goodbye...
( Murmuring goodbyes )
Guard !
Her majesty has wished you all goodbye !
Will you please gather your coats from the cloakery.
Oh, the cloakery, absolutely !
The cloakery is right over here
In case you've forgotten.
Please.
Yes, let us all make our way to the cloakery !
Yes, please !
Let us proceed to the cloakery.
Please.
Thank you.
Guard, are you on the world's longest coffee break ?
No. Get rid of them !
Of course, i will.
A goodnight to you all.
Yes, and goodbye.
All of us, and none shall tarry.
Excellent.
Oh goodness, my pocket pence.
Goodnight !
No, no, please, it's poisonous.
Only i have the antidote.
( Guard ) please, run along !
I'll mail the rest to you.
You're supposed to be rich, aren't you ?
What do you care about a few pennies ?
What was that you said, your majesty ?
She said nothing !
Oh, but i thought that i heard--
You heard nothing !
That is what i meant.
For when i heard nothing, i became frightened.
I thought maybe she'd died.
( Gasping )
Her majesty is quite alive
And vigorously waving goodbye to you !
Oh then, good.
Please ! All of you !
All together in a group, leave the room !
Wait, wait, wait, where's the lord mayor ?
Yes ! Yes !
Out !
I'm sorry.
Out, out !
You, fat one !
Your majesty, it is the greatest sorrow with which--
You're not a very good guard.
No, not tonight i'm not.
But on other nights--
Why are you here !?
Why is he here ?
Well, i've, left something behind.
What, what did you leave behind ?
Well, it was small and...
I thought they would never--
Why are you two here ?
We wanted to leave again.
Yes !
We had so much fun leaving the first time. We thought we'd--
Those idiots... hello, what's this ?
Why have you returned ?
I've sprained all my ankles.
How ?
I'm returned !
Why won't you all leave the queen in peace ?
( Arguing )
Wait a second !
Where is the queen ?
She's right here, guard. She...
The queen's escaped !
That bitch !
Okay, so that's one queen sidecar
And one her majesty's secret daiquiri ?
Yeah, that's great.
Hey, man, what the fuck !?
What the fuck is your problem ?
Watch where you're goin', asshole !
Hey, just don't touch me !
Come on, larry, leave it alone.
This guy fuckin' pushed me.
You'll know if i push you.
Oh yeah ? You wanna step outside ?
Just ignore him, tom.
I ain't ignorin' shit.
Come on, let's go !
Yeah, run away, chickenshit !
Fuckin' guys !
I ain't runnin' ! I'll stay on your fuckin' ass all fuckin' night !
Hey, i'm in it for the long haul !
I'll marry your stupid ass !
Oh, yeah ! 'Til death do us part, asshole !
I fuckin' do !
I, larry branson,
Promise that i will not chickenshit out
Until you admit that you're a pussy !
Or 'til one of us dies !
The ring, please.
Yeah !
Come on ! Come on !
Let's go ! Come on !
Fuckin' guys !
Yeah, read it and weep, asshole !
Here's your fuckin' lemonade, asshole ! Yeah, that's right !
Come on, mary ! Come on !
Right here, man ! Yeah, right here.
I ain't going nowhere. Drink it up !
Yeah, that's right !
I got it, man, i got it right here !
( Grunting )
Jeez, all these fuckin' receipts.
Ah, quit your bitchin', all right ?
Hey, what's this ?
That's for that sweater i got you last year
For your dumb-Ass birthday.
You said you fuckin' made it yourself !
No, i never said...
You fuckin' lied to me !
No !
Well, maybe our wedding vows were a lie, too !
Chickenshit !
Come back !
What the fuck ?
You want to start something ?
No.
Don't worry, sweetie, he'll come back.
You two were made for each other.
It's easier for him.
What if i have to find somebody else ?
I don't think you're going to have to worry about that.
I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have lied.
It was my fault.
I, you know, i over-Reacted.
Do you want, to get back together ?
Yeah.
All right, chickenshit !
It's on, asshole !
You're a chickenshit !
You're a pussy, you wimp !
Oh, yeah ?
You wanna make something of it ?
Maybe i do !
Maybe i...
( Heart monitor beeping )
I'm sorry, he's gone.
I guess he wasn't such a chickenshit after all.
Ah, well.
Bartender !
Oh, my life.
( Techno music playing )
( Crowd yelling ) st. Peter !
Oh, st. Peter !
( Crowd yelling ) god, god, god !
Say, peter
Come on over here.
Do me a favor.
There's a plane going down in the andes,
A brazilian bikini team.
Let 'em in, v.I.P. Lounge, the whole shot.
I'm gonna go down to earth for a few seconds. Make some magic.
Check, check, check.
Hey, god, hey.
How's it going, kid ?
Good.
I got the levels set, we're all set. You wanna go ?
Great, i'm all set, too.
Okay, great.
So, slate yourself and then we'll start with the preface, okay ?
You got it, kid.
Alright, here we go. Book on tape recording.
My life in the fast lane,
God's autobiography as read by me, god.
All seeing ? Yeah.
All knowing ? Yeah, but i'm not mr. Know-It-All.
Perfect in every way ?
Not by a long shot.
Have i done some things that i'm proud of ?
Well, one thing, my son.
Jesus, you're tops and you teach me new things every day.
This is for you, kid.
Now you're gonna learn a little bit more
About your old man than you wanted to know.
To the reader who wonders, isn't there a book about god already ?
Yeah, you call it the bible, i call it, too many cooks.
Sure, the names and dates are there,
But nobody caught the attitude, the swagger,
The little kid wonder,
Basking in praise in the red sea one minute,
And then vomiting in a john next to mick jaggar
At studio 54 the next.
Oh, man, what a life, what a riot it's been.
Truth be told,
I really have only one commandment,
Sunday's are my day.
That means, no prayers, no calls, fax, no nothing.
Jump to january 13, 1974. I'm in the beach house on contempo drive
In my jacuzzi taking a schvitz.
Suddenly, i feel an old pain in the back of my neck.
Oh, man, someone's praying.
"Hey god, it's me." I recognize the voice instantly.
It's terry bradshaw, pittsburgh steeler's quarterback,
Four-Time world champ and future hall-Of-Famer.
"It's the superbowl,
We're down six points, you gotta help me make this pass."
Boom, i go shit-House on him.
"I don't gotta do anything, terry.
"You are one pussy hair away from eternal hellfire my friend."
I cut him off, got back to my schvitz.
The balls on that guy.
Did i help him ? Hell no, a rule is a rule is a rule,
Unless you're a woman.
Did he make the pass ?
You know it.
Terry's just that good.
Hey, if he thinks i had anything to do with it,
So be it, i'm not tellin'.
Yep, if i've ever known perfection in this eternal life,
It was as a perfect jackass.
Am i proud of what i've accomplished ? Well, some of it.
Was i right when i thought i could do it all by myself,
Ooh, man, i was worse than right.
I was wrong.
But, what a ride it's been.
What a ride.
How's that kid ? Great, we got it.
All right, i got a party at mickey stein's to go to.
Take it easy, i'll catch you on the flip-Flop.
( Angelic chanting )
( Narrator ) the unexplained,
The inexplicable,
The hard to convey.
Since the dawn of time, men have wondered:
Do mysteries really exist ?
Some say maybe, others aren't so sure.
Tonight's enigma,
Monster parties, proved so upsetting
Most experts refuse to speak with us.
All but one.
Well, it's certainly an intriguing question.
We talked to a doctor
Who was willing to share his experience.
I'd say the first record
That ever really covered that topic
Was halloween shindig
By ed twilley and the creepers.
* it was a halloween shindig *
* everybody's in-Bited
* it was a halloween shindig *
* every-Bloody was frightened *
In 1978, there was monster disco ball !
There's the goofy tunes
With the wolfman's wedding reception.
It gets two squeaks because it's the funniest one of all.
( Narrator ) dracula, the wolfman, the mummy,
Would these monsters ever assemble as a group
In a party setting, to dance,
Or eat and drink together ?
While skeptics declare it impossible,
Novelty songs seem to suggest quite the opposite.
Could all these songs possibly be wrong ?
It would probably be held in a mansion, or a crypt,
Or a cemetery, indoors or--
Mother !
It's at night, maybe in a swamp.
The most recent example is this one
By jerkin' james whitcroft:
Dracula's pajama party.
* it was dracula's pajama party *
* seven o'clock was the time it started *
* dracula
* it's my pajama party... *
Well, this is preposterous.
Monsters, getting together to celebrate ?
I mean, think about how that sounds. It's ridiculous.
I mean,
They get together,
It's gonna be a terrifying battle.
They're not gonna get along, much less a bash of some kind.
No, no.
I wrote dracula's pajama party
To help me deal with the pain and fear i had.
It happened, it happened to me !
( Narrator ) james whitcroft's life
Had forever been changed by what he could only describe as a--
I got the scars to prove it.
I gained weight from the cake they served,
I still have a party favor.
Everything i wrote about
In dracula's pajama party, i experienced.
The plasma pizza,
The blood balloon race,
Uh...
...uh...
The bobbing for brains.
Uh...
( Macphearson ) nope, no, no.
If you were to ask me if a bunch of draculas
Might get together, or a bunch of wolfmans,
Then, yes, they probably do have very good parties.
We'll never know.
However, we can write poems about it.
( Narrator ) knowing and accepting the risk involved
By re-Living his horrifying night,
James whitcroft agreed to be hypnotized
And traveled over 15 miles per hour
For one-Quarter of an hour,
To visit professional party magician, tish pomfritz.
Do you know how far he traveled ?
Answer at the end of the show.
You are now officially hypnotized,
In the state of rhode island.
Now, tell me what happened, james.
I'm in the cemetery.
And...
I hear a noise.
Where is the noise coming from, james ?
It's coming from behind a tombstone.
Sounds like a bash,
Or a mash !
Now, there's people having a party.
There's cake,
And a keg of beer.
They're not people !
They're monsters !
The mummy is drunk and he loves the funk,
And the werewolf is dancing with frankenstein's bride.
And frankie got mad, he nearly re-Died.
It's horrible ! It's horrible !
What are you doing in the graveyard, james ?
I just wanna dig up a corpse
And have sexual relations with it !
These monsters !
Wake up !
According to the machine, he's telling the truth,
Except for the part about the monster party.
But yes, his name is james whitcroft,
And he wants to have sex with a corpse.
( Narrator ) despite this incontrovertible proof,
Some remain skeptical.
What ?
These are novelty songs, they're not real.
What are you talking about ?
( Whitcroft ) i didn't write this song
So that it would be taken as some sort of joke,
Or party anthem.
I'm just trying to understand my life
Through music.
( Narrator ) despite his trauma,
James washes a set of clothes
And prepares to take the stage at a local talent venue,
To see if his hypnotic ordeal may have freed him
Of the burden of his traumatic memories.
It's for me.
He hires a cabbie,
And attempts to present his terrible memory to a group of strangers.
But he is early,
And so, must wait
Until the doors
Open.
I want you to give a big hot coffee hunt welcome
To james whitcroft, come on...
Come on, come on guys.
James, good luck.
Thanks, everybody.
I want to sing a song
That i wrote a couple of years ago
About something that happened to me.
Okay, here it goes.
* the wolfman knew that the party was dying *
* so he asked the dracula bat to start flying *
* so the party was crashed by the mummy and *
* the mummy... *
...and the wolfman !
( Stammering )
Are you okay ?
Get away from me !
( Whitcroft screaming )
They're monsters !